Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
