My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
