I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
