pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
