once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
