I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
