you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
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When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
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There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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