I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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