I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
