I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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