when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.