So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
