And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
