i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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