I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
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He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
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also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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