Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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