When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
