This is not my ceiling
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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