the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
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By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
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A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I party with great urgency now.
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