i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!