Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.