can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
