Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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