the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
