I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
