Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
