I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Randomize
