I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
