i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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