sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
