Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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