living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
