My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
