Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
