these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
