First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
