who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize