it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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