I puked a lego.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this just has baby written all over it
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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