id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
