i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
