I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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