I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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