you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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