On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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