Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
