The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize