I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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