I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
