Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
