smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
