i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
