We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Randomize
