My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
