Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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